A Furious Pipedream

heysammy:

Actually I am just really good at bullshitting my way through classes.

I got a B, two A-, and an A! I now have a 3.1 GPA, which is pretty much the highest GPA I’ve ever had in my life.

YAY!

Olive oil, FUCK YEAH!

Hell yeah, my hair LURVED it. Especially since I colored my hair again almost immediately after.

Oh Ichi wait ‘til you see it, it’s fucking gorgeous.

A free app to do what?

A free app that will help me take self portraits without a front-facing camera or a mirror. The pickins on Google Play are slim. I searched for some reviews and the best reviewed app isn’t compatible with my phone. And the other good ones aren’t free. :P

But I didn’t and now I am restricted to taking either a million crappy photos of myself and getting maybe one good one, or taking pictures of myself only in rooms that have mirrors. Which means my bathroom. YUCK!

WTF.

I have fabulously amazing copper red hair now and I wanna show it off!

I tried looking for a free app but they’re all pretty crappy. Any suggestions?

fancysuperexcellent:

DEAR INTERNET RIGHT NOW I AM FEELING THE DISMISSAL OF VANITY AS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT. YESSS HMMM GOOD.

SMASH THE SYSTEMS URGING YOU TO BE SMALLER SMOOTHER SHINIER STRAIGHTER WHITER ACCEPTABLE.

IF YOU WAKE UP FEELING HOT AND TAKE SELF PICS AND PUT ON MAKE UP AND YOUR SEXIEST LINGERIE AND DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES OR APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE FOR HOW GOOD YOU LOOK

IF YOU HAVE STRETCH MARKS BUT YOU CALL THEM ZEBRA STRIPES AND IF YOU COMPARE YOUR CELLULITE TO THE MAJESTY OF THE FUCKING MOON’S SURFACE

THEN YOU REMAIN UNDEFEATED

fuck modesty. the notion that you should shy away from recognizing your journey, that you should abolish your hard-earned confidence and self love? nope nopenope.

1. Don’t have any work or school to do on a Monday.
2. Have the house to yourself.
3. Start playing loud-ass music at 9:00 am. Start the day with an hour and 15-minute long hip-hop & dance mixtape.
4. Give your hair a long-overdue olive oil treatment.
5. While you wait for the olive oil to do its magic, play Skyrim for two hours.
6. Shower, take as long as you want to get dressed. Play with the Internet wearing nothing but a towel for a while. Make sure you wear your favorite perfume or cologne.
7. Make yourself a killer lunch or possibly take yourself out to lunch.
8. ????
9. Profit.

Family-type holidays are always the hardest on me. I live 3000 miles away from all of my family and many of my very dearest friends. None of them really bother to call or write me (despite the fact that for the longest time I was always calling and writing them and stopped when I realized it wasn’t reciprocated), except for my sister who texts me pictures of my niece from time to time. (I’ve never met my niece in person.)

But days like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are the worst.

I didn’t have a good relationship with a lot of my family. Like many, many families mine was dysfunctional and it took me until I was nearly 23 years old to escape to Oregon. I know I’m not alone: I’m friends with a lot of people who have similar stories and situations, not the least of whom is my own husband.

I still feel like I’m obligated to call and wish my stepfather - who I do not have a good relationship with and don’t really like talking to anyway - and my father a Happy Father’s Day.

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about my dad right now. It’s most difficult because out of all three of my parents, my dad was the one that was most human and treated my sister and I like we were people. I relate very closely to my father: he and I always had a lot in common. A lot of my personality traits and flaws are similar to my dad’s. My dad taught me to appreciate art, comic books, movies, and so much music among other things. My dad was the only “liberal” adult I knew in my life until I entered high school. I admired my dad in a lot of ways, and as I grew older I also understood him better, for good and ill.

My dad was always great friend to me, but he didn’t really do such a great job of fulfilling the role of “dad”. And I feel like now that I’m grown up he must feel like his job is done.

My dad hasn’t ever been bothered to call me since I moved out here, except once to tell me that he remarried. He would send me a lot of forwarded e-mails. He hasn’t bothered to even do that since I responded to his last forwarded e-mail about how poor people should be forced to live in military barracks instead of government housing, and should only be able to get beans and rice on their food stamps. That was nearly a year ago.

I didn’t remember to call him on his birthday either, because Nate and I were fighting and it completely slipped my mind.

So I haven’t had any contact with him since then.

Meanwhile I also feel obligated to call my stepfather, who was an atrocious selfish asshole the entire time he afflicted my life. However, he did monetarily support me (even though he made it clear that it was his obligation and that I owed him) so I feel like I’m obligated to acknowledge him for that. I also feel like if I don’t call I’m going to get the “WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL” text or some other admonishment later on down the line. I feel like if I don’t call him it will hurt my mother’s feelings.

It’s after midnight where they are now, so it’s too late to call them today. I really feel like I pussed out and I should’ve just called my dad and ended this stupid silent treatment. I also feel like fuck him for being so stubborn that he can’t take a little well-deserved criticism with some grace. Relationships are two-way streets and I have reached out to him plenty.

But I also know that my sister hasn’t talked to him much over the last couple of years and they actually live near enough to one another to visit. I think it has to do with him not attending her baby shower or something like that, but my sister is equally as stubborn as he is. As far as I know he still hasn’t seen his grand-daughter, who is now two and a half.

I can’t help but feel like he might’ve gone to sleep tonight with tears in his eyes if neither of us called him today. Or anger in his heart and more stubbornness and resolve to keep this silent treatment going.

That’s what these holidays are like for me. Crushing, unbearable guilt, and the loneliness of knowing I have a family in name only. I have Nate - who I absolutely adore - and I have so many amazing and beautiful friends, but it just isn’t the same as like, feeling like you’re someone’s kid, you know? It’s hard going through life knowing that you don’t have have family that’s got your back like other people have. I envy people whose parents and stuff are always there to help them when they’re in a jam.

Well, thanks for reading. I just needed to get that out.

Maybe I can just write him an e-mail tomorrow.